Driving To Success The Assertive Way

Many people feel that in order to get what you want or to "win" in life they must be aggressive towards others. You have heard the old adage "it's my way or the highway" where one wins and the other person loses. In the short-term, this approach may help to get the results you are looking for however, in the long-term, win/lose approaches only guarantee that peoples' trust and respect for you will be lying on the side of the road damaged and in disrepair.

Being assertive minimizes the negative results of a win/lose approach. When you are assertive you communicate your thoughts, feelings, preferences, values and wants in a way that is direct, concise and clear. Although the goal of assertiveness is the same as aggressiveness, to get what you want, your reputation and the relationships you have worked so hard to nurture remain in good standing.

Many people believe that assertiveness guarantees that you will get what you want. I wish that were true but, if your address is on the same planet as mine, I have unfortunate news. The truth is that assertiveness is a way of communicating that increases the possibility of getting what you want. The consolation is that even if you don't get what you want you can rest assured that you did it the best way possible, building personal and business relationships for the future.

Imagine a speedometer like the one in your car. Divide it into thirds with 0 to 40 labeled passive, 41 to 70 labeled assertive and 71 to 100 labeled aggressive. Now your speedometer has been transformed into an Assert-O-Meter. It is not for measuring speed but for measuring our communication pattern. Many of us, from day-to-day, have a tendency to drive over the speed limit into the aggressive range. Here, we tell people what to do, how to do it and where to do it without getting their input or considering their position. Of course just like when you tailgate or cut in front of others, if you communicate aggressively you are apt to get some perilous results. For many of us, aggressiveness is our default drive. We unconsciously perform in this range when communicating with others.

Some people communicate in the slow lane, like a school bus with it's flashing red lights, traveling in the range of 1 to 40 mph. This is the passive area on the Assert-O-Meter. The behaviors elicited in this range are saying "yes" to tasks when you really want to say "no", leaking out feelings of how you really feel towards others (not being direct) and discounting yourself by using qualifiers such as, "this is only my opinion." Over time the more slowly you drive or the less you speak up, the more you become resentful. This leads to destructive behaviors that are damaging to relationships.

One Friday morning, I was attending a regularly scheduled sales team meeting, when Jane, who was a slow driver (passive), blew up over a manager's request. She instantly went from 20 mph, always accepting and not expressing her concerns, to full throttle, wide-open speeding over 80 mph. She became extremely aggressive, demanding that someone else was responsible and that her job responsibilities did not include that particular assignment. After the meeting was abruptly halted, several people made the comment that Jane's behavior was unusual. They could not believe what they had just witnessed. The next day Jane was again on her school bus, with the flashing red lights, driving 20 mph.

People have a tendency to go back and forth, fast and slow when the load becomes too heavy to bear. It was out of character for Jane to act in that manner. However, she had gotten tired of keeping her concerns and desires to herself and finally blew her top. She doesn't feel comfortable driving fast or being aggressive; she had just had enough.

The key is to drive assertively. Adhere to the speed limit, 65-mph. Communicate what you want, desire, or prefer, honestly, openly and directly while considering the other person's position. Jane should have taken action by stating clearly and directly her concerns over the job assignment. Keeping her emotions in check and using "I" statements would have allowed her to communicate her thoughts in a respectful and non-defensive way.

There are three techniques that Jane could have used to be assertive.

1. Primary Assertion - State what you want, desire, prefer or value by using an "I" statement. Some examples would be "I prefer not to be on this task group", "I want to move the deadline up two weeks" or "I disagree with that decision."

2. Understanding Assertion - Put yourself in the other person's position and state it verbally. Then ask for what you want in the form of a Primary Assertion. Don't just say "I know how you feel" or "I understand your position." You need to demonstrate that you heard and state specifically his or her position. Remember before making a judgement you must first walk a mile in his or her shoes. The same approach is taken here. It does not mean you agree with it, just that you are sincere in your stance. An example would be, "I realize how important it is for you to spend the next 2 hours working on the XYZ project in order to pass it on to Sally (Understanding Assertion), however, I need you to fill out this report and have it on by desk by 4:00pm today (Primary Assertion)."

3. Instant Replay - This technique requires you to hold firm to your bottom line and kindly repeat it. The key to the effectiveness of this skill is that you have to know beforehand what issues or items you are willing to negotiate and which ones you are not. This might require some preplanning on your part before confronting someone. People, who get asked to do a task at the spur of the moment, are usually caught off-guard and wind up agreeing to something that they regret in the end. If you repeat your position at least two times by beginning with a primary assertion followed by an understanding assertion, you will find it very difficult for the other person to press further unless it is vitally important.

For example, it is 9:00am and Bill, your teammate, has asked you to do a complete audit by 2:00 today. You have already promised Sally that you would provide her with a report she requested by lunch. There isn't enough time to do both. So it is not possible for you to fulfill Bill's request. It is non-negotiable. You would say to Bill, "I am not able to complete the audit and have it to you by 2:00pm (Primary Assertion)." If Bill continues to press, follow up with a statement such as "I know that you need the audit completed and you are eager to get it done (Understanding Assertion), however I have a report deadline to meet for Sally so I will not be able to work on it today (Primary Assertion)." "I can have it for you by 10:00 am tomorrow." If Bill continues to press then you may push the instant replay switch and state it again or you may need to take the issue to a higher level to achieve an agreed upon solution.

Being assertive is a far better and a more successful way to communicate what you want than either passive (driving slow) or aggressive (driving fast) methods. Start today by driving the speed limit in communicating with others. Ask for what you want and create a more satisfying environment for yourself.