Proactive Feedback: The Answer to Resolving Differences

Have you ever been in a situation where a co-worker's behavior was bothering you? For example, someone who continually interrupts you or who says one thing and does another or who criticizes you in front of your peers. Was "just living with it" not an option for you? If so, how would you like to learn a method that enables you to confront the situation, express your opinion, and initiate discussions that result in an acceptable outcome while keeping the relationship intact? Interested? Read on.

The answer for giving constructive feedback is the Communication Agreement Framework (CAF). This framework provides you with the best chance of initiating dialogue to get issues and concerns on the table and to work toward an agreed upon solution. This is a great technique for highly emotional situations when you need to be objective and rational in dealing with another person. These interactions can occur between manager and employee, peers or between several people during a meeting. There are five (5) steps that make up the framework.

Facts ­ Describe specifically (behavior description) what was said or done so as to paint a clear picture. It is important that everyone understand the behavior described. Leave no room for ambiguity. If not done well, the other person will become defensive and unreceptive. For example, saying to someone "you are always late for meetings" is much different than saying, "you were 20 minutes late to our last two meetings in March and April."

Reaction - Describe your thoughts or feelings towards this person or situation. This statement should begin with "I". Use words like frustrated, upset, angry, sad, glad, or afraid. Beginning each statement with "I" allows you to take ownership and responsibility for your response. It isn't "you make me mad." It is "I am mad or upset." The former is blaming while the latter takes ownership. Blaming the other person leads to defensiveness, which hinders productive communication.

Consequence - Express the consequences of the other person's behavior. This statement should be specific and detailed. Elucidating the related consequence of the behavior provides the listener with an explanation of why the behavior is troubling. Many times people do not realize what consequences are generated by their actions.

Request - State what you would like the future results to be. How do you want the behavior to change? What action do you want that person to take?

Buy-in - End with a question to check for their buy-in to your request. This involves the other person and requires them to take ownership and accountability.

I have used this framework successfully for many years. In all but a couple of cases, I was able to reach a mutually agreed upon solution. Of course, finding an acceptable agreement depends largely on the possible options available.

Let me give you an example of how to use this framework. I was leading a two-day seminar on, believe it or not, assertive communication. I was teaching this concept after lunch to a group of engineers. As I was going through the five steps, I quickly noticed that four of the participants were not back from lunch. I had asked them to be back by 1:00 p.m. and it was now 1:20 in the afternoon. Well, I thought to myself, this was an ideal opportunity to demonstrate how the technique works, live and in person. So I let the class in on what I was going to do. When the late participants arrived, a quiet hush fell on the room as they returned to their seats. After they were seated, I demonstrated to the class the Communication Agreement Framework. It went like this:

(Fact) I noticed that you (Sam, Kim, Lisa and Tom) came back to class after lunch 20 minutes late. Before lunch, we agreed to meet back at 1:00 p.m.

(Reaction) I am frustrated because (Consequence) we could not continue the class until you returned. As a result, we will be ending class 20 minutes later than our regular schedule. Class will now end at 4:20 p.m.

(Request) I would like each of you to be back on time during breaks and lunch for the remainder of the course. (Buy-in) Is that something we can agree to do?

After delivering this in about 30 seconds, the four late arrivals all looked at me wide-eyed and just nodded their heads in agreement. If one of the participants had had a problem with being on time for the rest of the course then it would have come out and we would have made a different agreement. Of course, this situation could have been handled one-on-one and not in front of their peers. However, I was using the situation as a teaching moment. There were no hard feelings on either side.

The vocabulary that you use within the framework is totally up to you. Some people like to switch steps one and two. That is fine as long as you include each of the five steps in your statement. Leaving one out could hinder the interpretation of your message.

Your tone of voice is also very important. Try and keep your pitch level. Raising the volume will only incite defensiveness from the recipient. Remember your voice tone should be direct but not overbearing.

Using the Communication Agreement Framework correctly will produce clear, concise, honest and direct communication. It will also encourage adult conversations fueling the desire to treat each other with respect. People will know where you stand and your relationships will strengthen.